Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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