I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
