I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
