ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
