He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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