ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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