Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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