The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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