I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
