i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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