I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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