Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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