i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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