you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
