Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
false alarm, still single
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
