awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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