So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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