I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
