I wish I could punch you in the face.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
