Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
