is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I bet he comes in French.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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