i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
