I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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