I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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