trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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