i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
