see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
