Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
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girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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