I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
it's like heaven, but drunker
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
