Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
