I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
