i jhust puked up my retainher.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
