A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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