I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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