so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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