Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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