I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
