my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
