I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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