fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
