Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
