he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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