hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
