my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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