He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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