I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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