I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
