good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
