when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
