wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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