In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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