She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
