I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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