My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
