i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
