She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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