you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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