Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
