Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
