I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
