So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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