with your own penis?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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